When These Guys Are Batting, Go to the Bathroom
"You don't want to grab a hot dog or soda when this guy's batting. You may miss a 477-foot home run, or an inside-the-park homer." - cliche-happy baseball fan

That's the kind of thing you used to hear about Darryl Strawberry, and currently hear about Barry Bonds or Alex Rodriguez. But what about the guys who, when they're up at the plate, give you the best opportunity to grab a refreshment or take a WC break? To help make you a more efficient baseball game-spectator, I've compiled the following list of players who give you the best opportunity of grabbing a snack without having to ask "What was that roar?" when you get back to your seat.

5. Jason Kendall, C, Oakland Athletics - Kendall hasn't hit a home run since 2004, and isn't even fast anymore (one triple in the last two years). He hasn't really been the same since that disgusting "If you're squeamish look away from your TV" leg injury during a 1999 home plate collision. You might miss something fundamentally sound like a Kendall ground ball to the right side to move a runner over to third with less than two outs, but situational out-making is not what you came to the game for, is it? Well, maybe it is, but still, get a 16-ounce plastic beer for $7 and make sure you get back to your seat in time for Eric Chavez.

4. Nomar Garciaparra, DL, Los Angeles Dodgers - Nomar's not a terrible hitter when he's healthy, at least not yet. He's getting old fast, and he'll never get within .085 points of his 2000 batting average of .372. But like I said, he's not Rey Ordonez at the plate. The problem is that Nomar takes 3 hours adjusting his batting gloves and fondling his helmet and adjusting his cup and regripping his bat. Wait, did I just say that's a problem? Dude, it's totally not a problem for you Mr. or Mrs. BaseballGameSpectator. It's an opporTUNITY! If you hear Nomar's name announced, you'll have time to run to the bathroom, smoke a half a cigarette illegally in the stall, wait on line for 10 minutes, order a jumbo hot dog and a souvenir cup soda, tell the food service employee that you asked for a JUMBO hot dog rather than a regular-sized one, walk to the next refreshment stand to find the extra stash of ketchup, get back to your seat, and probably see the end of Nomar's plate appearance. That is, of course, unless he got injured during the AB and someone else is batting in place of him. In that case, please be advised that Liners, Sliders and Scoops is not responsible for flying bats, batted balls, or injury-induced substitutions.

3. Anderson Hernandez, 2B, New York Mets - The other night, this guy made an insane diving catch in short right field (just click on "Hernandez's grab"), but he hits like your grandmother's grandmother's dead grandmother. When the bat boy gives him his bat, he looks at it like, "What am I supposed to do with this?" The Mets game ended about a half hour ago, and he still hasn't finished his swing at a 2-strike, 91 MPH fastball in the seventh inning (if you're drunk and/or stoned while reading this, that's hyperbole for "this guy can't get around on an average Major League fastball"). The added advantage of getting out of your seat while Hernandez is up? He bats eighth, meaning the pitcher's on deck. Extra time to get done what you need to get done. Still, you better get back for Jose Reyes, or you're going to miss something exciting. (lightning quick prediction: Reyes hits between 12 and 16 homers this year.)

2. Every Florida Marlin (except Miguel Cabrera) - This is how sad the situation is in South Florida: When Dontrelle Willis is pitching, he's the one guy besides Cabrera that you shouldn't leave your seat for. So basically, if you find yourself with tickets to a Marlins game, you have very little to worry about. Of course, the line for the bathroom and beer probably won't be that long anyway.

1. Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals - No, I'm not drunk. There's a reasonable explanation for why the No. 1 guy on this list is one of the best righty hitters in baseball over the last 25 years. Pujols basically hits a 450-foot home run or a 375-foot double during every at bat. It's always the same result. There's no drama, there's no suspense. He smashes every pitch. The only thing you have to worry about is this: If your seats are in fair territory, make sure that your peanuts or Crackerjacks don't get knocked over by a flying Pujols-struck ball.