The Giants Are Out, So Here's a Little Question for You: Guess Who's Back? Ready For the Answer: Me! And Your Response: Hip Hop Jose! Yay!
So now that the New York Giants that I so desperately root for have been THWACK! BAM! POW!'d out of the NFL Playoffs by the bitch-slapping southerners from one of the Carolinas (doesn't matter which one of the Carolinas. A team from the CarIBBEAN could have beaten the Giants today - no offense to any people from the Caribbean), and my second career as an Eli Manning apologist seems to be about as respectable a position as the President of Iran (dude, the guy says the Holocaust never happened and that Ariel Sharon should die), it's time for me to start blogging about baseball again.

I'm lazy sometimes. That's why during the World Series, I really didn't blog much. It's something about setting and maintaining a regular schedule. Plus, my job in real life is to write, so maybe writing as a hobby is now a lot tougher. It's like an auto mechanic. Do you think a mechanic gets home from work at the Mazda dealership and decides to fix up old cars? Oh, wait.

Okay, better example: construction workers. Do you think they get home from their job laying down dry wall and then decide that it'd be fun to work on their own houses? Oh, someone just whispered to me that construction workers often do that. God I'm bad at this.

Alright, a mailman probably doesn't come home and just for fun start delivering mail to his neighbours' houses. That, I'm pretty sure of.

SO BACK TO BASEBALL! Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start writing about the stuff that's happened in the offseason. I'll do it division by division, one week at a time (Sound like some sort of 12-step program? Well, Freddy McFunnystein, you're close. It's a 6-step program, because that's how many divisions there are in Major League Baseball!) . I'll set a schedule right now, and perhaps you can type it into your Microsoft Outlook 2000 calendar (By 2000, I'm referring to the edition of Microsoft's computer software that your Outlook Express is titled. I know it's 2006. I know that the Yankees are not the defending World Champions). But if you do decide to type it into your pretty little calendar, you'll know when to look for stuff. I'm going to try and - for once - be exhaustive. I'll try to give you the pastry and cookies on like all the stuff that's happened since the Chicago White Sox won the 2006* World Series.

*I'm just testing you, I know it was the 2005 World Series.

Here's the schedule:

By Jan. 15, I'll have the N.L. East done.

By Jan. 22, the N.L. Central.

By Jan. 29, the N.L. West.

By Feb. 5, the A.L. East.

By Feb. 12, the A.L. Central.

By Feb. 19, the A.L. West.

And there are a few other loose ends that I may tie up between now and Feb. 19. I might throw in a couple of my "disspelling baseball myths" tidbits. I have a lot of those. I may also kind of evaluate some of my predictions from the 2005 season. By the way, if you have ever placed any kind of bet based on any of my predictions, you probably have at least one artificial knee earned by not paying off your debt to some New Jersey gangland leader. I'm sorry about that. At least you have your eyes though, right? Dude, don't even TELL me that. So for you, Blind Man, maybe I'll create a podcast, so you can listen to the audio version of Liners, Sliders and Scoops on the Internet somewhere. It will be me and my sultry voice reading this to you in a mesmerizing manner. Okay, I'll shut up now, so I can focus on preparing the N.L. East offseason report.